March 2021

Dear Homegrown Yogis,

I feel weird writing this in a letter to be shared via mass email, but I always talk about vulnerability so here you go:  I’m not feeling very good right now.  I’m really anxious about the opening of our Macon studio this weekend.  I’m really struggling with losing our Perry Arts Center space.  I’m really overwhelmed with how it feels like there is so much happening all at once.  I’m really afraid that I’m letting people down and that I can’t handle all that’s happening.  And yet for once, I’m actually really okay with feeling this way.

I’ve begun to recognize that I have the same behavioral and thought pattern every time I create a change in my life or take a big risk:

Stage One:  Get super excited and pumped up about upcoming change or risk.  Think about it and dream about it all day every day.  This stage lasts up until change or risk is about two weeks away and I enter…. 

Stage Two:  Get absolutely terrified of upcoming change or risk.  Stop sleeping and practicing any form of self-care.  Continuously invite worst case scenarios in my head.  Isolate myself, obsess over everything, and eat lots and lots of crappy food.  Approximately two weeks after change or risk takes place I enter… 

Stage Three:  Realize everything is going to work out and finally start enjoying change or risk.  Can’t believe how amazing life can be.  Feel proud of myself and promise to never do those awful self-sabotaging behaviors again.

Repeat again and again and again.  

Although I hope to one day skip over some of the angst and anxiety of Stage Two, I say I feel okay right now because I no longer let that stage be the end of the story.  I look back at some of the choices I’ve made in the past, and I see how they’ve been made because I didn’t understand that Stage Two was just temporary – it wasn’t a sign that I was on the wrong track or that I wasn’t ready.  Rather, it was fear of getting out of my comfort zone, of growing and losing a sense of control and comfort.  And if I could hang in there and do the work and be brave, Stage Three would appear and with it a really beautiful new stage in life.  

So yeah – I’m not feeling too great right now, but more importantly I trust this process and I trust myself now.  I’ll see you soon, Stage Three, because I know you’re right around the corner and you are so so worth the work.  

With love,

Rachel 

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